SNESquest - Actraiser

(Actraiser, 1990, Enix)

(My pick for Review A Great Game Day awhile back. Special thanks to Eric Bailey for helping me with the confidence to do it again.)

As much as I cavetch about horrendous games and throw virtual rotten tomatoes ad nauseum, today, I'm going to share with you cats and kittens one of NESquester's favorite titles that I never have had the chance to speak of before, Actraiser.

Many moons before the amalgamation of genres we see today such as Borderlands and Mass Effect, Actraiser was a pioneer in the genre-mashups. One part overhead simulation, one part action game that has made many an expert's hands sweat, Actraiser was one of the earliest SNES titles and being the huge Square & Enix (to the kiddies in school, at one time, they were as different as Microsoft and Sony) fan I was, bought it on a whim and every penny and then some has gotten its mileage.

It is so hard to discuss the magnum opus of Enix action games in short form as there is no doubt this could hit 5 pages before I realize it. What do you wish you know about? The graphics? For 1991 and even quite a bit beyond, from the lush planetscapes, the unforgettable crystal dragon, to the final boss battle, the graphics are flawless. How about the sound? Oh, baby, how about it! This soundtrack is one of the greatest on any system, any year, any day of the week. It legitly sounds as if they snuck a tiny orchestra in each cart, it is THAT tremendous. Is it any fun? Actraiser boasts one of the highest replayability scores in history. Once a year without fail, I strap on my blue winged helmet, grab my trusty heaven sword, and get to whipping on some Tanzra booty. Another wonderful part is between the sim and action sequences, neither of them feels too long so you don't spend the action sequences muttering, "Okay, enough of this crap, time for the sim," and vice versa. Lastly, the story. Magnificent. Your character is basically God (I didn't make the game folks), who brings an angel with him to help make the world a better place for people. The emotional attachments you'll gain for a lost, hungry boy named Teddy and a disease ravaged man you send rain down to "cry for" are moments that will stick with you for a lifetime. The angel communicates and explains to the confused deity as the story goes why the humans are doing certain things and acting certain ways like causing wars and the like. A truly touching and fascinating game from a human emotion perspective and beautifully written.

Actraiser was a spiritual successor to another lauded Enix title, Soul Blazer, which had its own sequels. Actraiser 2 was released a few years later but without the simulation sections and an even more ramped up difficulty, paled in comparison to its original. If you've never played Actraiser, by all means, make it a point to play it at least once and you'll be rewarded with a very challenging, thought-provoking, true gem of a game.

NESquest - Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!!

(Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!, Nintendo, October 1987)

(An unpublished work for Retrocade that was finished awhile back as a 'fan appreciation' review but shortened due to page limits. One of my top 10 favorite games of my life and one of the few reviews typed off the top of my head with zero note needed. I hope you cats dig it.)

Long before his trademark facial tattoo, memorable cameos in comedic flicks, and going public with his penchant for cannabalism, Mike Tyson was not only the undisputed champ of the boxing world, but the bane of everyone who went against him in 8-bit land. Spinning off from two earlier arcade hits, Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! is such a timeless classic that if you know of anyone who hasn't played it, e-mail me and we'll see about gathering up your oblivious pal, a sturdy chair, strong rope or wire, and a NES.

The game introduces us to an assuming, young up and comer named Little Mac, who appears to be the offspring of Ralph Macchio and Olive Oyl. Accompanied by his trainer, Doc Louis, this poor play on words of a delicious McDonalds stalwart decides the only way that he is going to become the best in the world is to take on boxers roughly six times his size. The journey from his first fight to the showdown with "Kid Dynamite" Mike Tyson is nothing short of a complete blast.

Mac is given three rounds each bout to dispatch a pre-arranged set of foes on his quest to three titles, Minor, Major, and World. In the same vein as Batman, it is the rogues gallery that truly steals the show. By far the most massive sprites the NES had seen to that point, truly giving each character that Mac faces off with an unforgettable amount of character and expression. Being 1987, there are quite a few stereotypes brought to the forefront that will make you wonder if the game would be deemed racist if released today but, hey, these were different times and as a kid can honestly say that I never wondered whether Great Tiger was hindu or muslim, he was simply Great Fucking Tiger.

A health bar is present as well as meters for stars and hearts. Each fight begins with a preset number of hearts and you lose one for a successful block and three if your opponent lands a shot. If the heart count hits zero, Mac flickers pink with fatigue and is unable to throw a punch until dodging a few punches and turning normal again. The stars represent the number of Super Uppercuts in his arsenal, Mac's special move that is thrown by pressing start. Gaining the stars can be tricky and require getting in hits at precise moments that take a bit of practice to reveal. This in itself lends to the tremendous amount of replayability that Punch-Out!! offers as I have personally played this esteemed title for 25 years and will still uncover new tricks and strategies.

Gameplay is a fun little mix of reflex and pattern recognition. First timers may be able to button mash their way past Glass Joe but will be shocked to find that Von Kaiser will shove those same blueprints right up their ass. This game is about timing and finesse and without either, be ready to spend alot of time kissing canvas. The balance in Punch-Out!!'s challenge is astounding as each fight gradually depends on that much more skill to advance. As a youngling in elementary when it was released, I can say that this was the first legend of the playground and can't remember trading tips nearly as much with any other game prior. Before Nintendo Power, there were just hive collectives of young boys who traded off the timing needed to twart Bald Bull or the blocking to counter the Macho Tornado Punch. Ah, simpler times.

Between rounds, Doc Louis gives advice and does what he can to keep Little Mac warmed up. To anyone who may find a rotund older gentleman suggestively rubbing a seventeen year old's tiny shoulder, it's shitloads better than the blatant blowjobs in between rounds of Ring King. I'm not joking, go play a round of it. Doc's tidbits can range from the useless to world-changing as I'd never have known about the Don Flamenco one-two trick if I didn't pay attention to my trainer. These interludes are the only time you're not treated to the game's tunes, which by the way are exceptional.

As for Mr. Tyson himself, think boxing's equivalent to Darth Vader. No matter who you are or what you've done, you're are utterly screwed the first hundred or so times you face him. The only way Little Mac can recoup any money is by advertising sponsors on the bottoms of his boots because within two seconds, Tyson is throwing lightning fast uppercuts that put you on your ass if they so much as graze you. Last ninety seconds of this legendary barrage of badass and things get only slightly easier. As with all things in life thought to be impossible, Tyson can be conquered with enough resolve and patience to learn the patterns he presents. Take my word for it, if you get your hand raised against this titan of the NES, that rare feeling of extreme accomplishment that will wash over you is worth every KO endured to get there. The mark of a masterpiece.

Grade: A

NESquest - Elevator Action



(Elevator Action, Taito, August 1987)

BACK. FOR. GOOD.

Have you ever heard whispers of a legendary game out there that you've never played? One day, the moment of truth arrives, you procure a copy of what is sure to be a masterpiece in your collection for years to come, pop that sucker in and get to work. Sometimes, it can be pure magic akin to scoring with that legendary hottest woman in the club. Other times, it can feel something like said hottie in your bed revealing that she has a much larger dick than you do.

 

Originally released by Taito in 1983, the arcade port of Elevator Action didn't hit the Nintendo Entertainment System until August of 1987. The gist of this little gray square of dookie is that a master spy/secret agent/badass named Otto aka Agent 17 must infiltrate 30 floor towers built by rich eccentrics with a penchant for elevators and escalators and grab secret documents while avoiding a ton of Judge Doom lookalikes. For such a master infiltrator, I find it hilarious that we all know his real name in addition to the fact that Otto is the only person in the game not dressed in all black.

What makes this a festivity of feces you may wonder? Let's start with the fact that Taito had two years to master the quirks of NES programming and the absolute best they could muster was a game that harkens back to the Atari 2600 in terms of quality. As all of us fellow retro fanatics are aware of, graphics never make or break the fun and replayability of a game but during a time when gaming was trying to evolve, there was no excuse for the graphics to be this poorly executed in the very same month that saw the debut of Metroid and The Legend of Zelda.

Surely with eye-candy that could be the NES version of "Plan 9 From Outer Space", the controls couldn't be as awful right? Wrong, they are SPECTACULARLY awful. Otto jumps in a motion so choppy that it forced me to recall the days when the internet would stream video via dial-up though Windows Media Player 1.0. As if the poor guy's dignity wasn't already shattered enough, when he does slowly "jump" he throws his ass rather invitingly in the air. Mix that in with the way he vigorously humps the rope as he enters the building and we have ourselves a not-so-subtle cocktail from programmers who may have been more bent on alternate lifestyle humor than, you know, making an actual playyable game to take pride in.

While riding down the abundant elevators and escalators, baddies are trying to make life difficult, but there are a few ways to fight back. A straight out gunfight is preferrable once you get past the idiocy where you can't crouch inside elevators and must press up again to stand if ducking to fire. Other mechanics can be utilized such as trapping them under the elevators (strangely causing them to die Pac-Man style) or shooting a light fixture to land on the enemy's head. No lie, I spent an hour trying to land a light on an antagonist's noggin to no avail, so I wouldn't recommended it. The main goal as you traverse the bizarre buildings is to enter every red door you see and snatch up secret documents. Miss a single briefcase and when you hit the ground floor, the game really sticks it in and breaks it off sans lube by shitting you right back to the very top to go through 8-bit hades all over again.

Enemy A.I. is somewhere between the Keystone Cops and Three Stooges in terms of acumen and the only time they seem to have any wherewithal is if you linger in a stage too long. It would be infinitely more exciting if they started out from the get-go by going batshit as you can go through half the building before seeing that "action" thingy mentioned in the title. Make it to the bottom and Otto rides off in what appears to be a child's first big plastic car and rides off to the next building. We don't even need to go over the sound as there is one song on a 7 second loop the entire time that will make you dive for your My Music folder before sterility kicks in. Effects are just as hideous and are the worst on the NEs since the fabled Action 52 cart. Marvel as your NES spits out bleeps and blips that even our friend the 2600's sound chip would've been embarrassed about.

With such tremendous ports already made for the system such as 1942, Gradius, and Popeye, this felt like an unlicensed cart. Lazy, uninspired, and a mockery of the not-so-bad original arcade game.

Grade: F

(No, I'm not changing the format of the reviews. This is my work from Retrocade Magazine Vol.2, Issue 1 in its unedited full form. Today will be a collection of work done outside the site before the new material drops. I know alot of you haven't seen this and I think it is one of my best so enjoy!)

SIDE-QUEST - The Misadventures of Flink

(Flink, 1994, Psynosis)

Welcome to Bizarro Land ladies and germs! Today we take a giant outside the normal love-in for The Big N and go as far in the other direction as we possibly could go. That's right, I feel like as awkward as a Vogue model inside of a Golden Corral buffet but the challenge was presented to review a Genesis game and I never pass up a challenge. Time to roll up the proverbial sleeves and get cracking with a quirky little gem, The Misadventures of Flink.

PUMBAA STAMPEDE~!~!~!!!

Released in 1994 by Psygnosis(currently SCE Studio Liverpool), Flink was brought to us by the same team that developed the cult hit platformers Wiz 'n' Liz and Lionheart and the influence shows. While the Sega CD version was released worldwide, we in the States never got the Genesis port. It certainly isn't the easiest game to find and a used copy can command up to $60 on Ebay. That being said, let's gather around by the fireplace and go over why my never having played this game is a damned shame shall we?

"I can barely ride a bike and you want me to take on a fucking WIZARD?!?!?!"

After a rather annoying and unskippable intro, the game introduces you to the vibrant world of Imagica, where that Canadian-American Wainwright dude that sings horrible shit like "Going To A Town" and "I Don't Know What It Is" apparently kidnapped four esteemed wizards and trapped them inside crystals strewn across the land. One could sit and ponder how four Gandalf-level badasses were tricked by one skinny singer who left his manhood behind a long time ago into a trap but it won't change the game's storyline whatsoever, so don't waste time. The evil mofo of Imagica is actually named Wicked Wainwright and by capturing the Yodas of the world, broke a seal where evil demons were kept, thus insuring he would have an easier time ruling the land. What he didn't count on was an unassuming apprentice named Flink stepping up and growing a set of truck-sized balls to save the day. Normally, I'd dog the protagonist if he had a bowl cut and looked like the kid from the old television show Eight Is Enough, but the fact that he is a young understudy who has spent most of his life exclusively pouring through magic books and not seeing much of the world, Flink has a bit of a wide-eyed charm to him. The premise is simple enough, release your masters from the crystals and the door to Wainwright's lair opens for a final showdown with evil.

How can I not adore a game where I have to hop onto a dude's exposed brain to beat him?

Now for the meat of the taco, the game itself. It starts as a run of the mill platformer, using the tried and true method of hopping off of the heads of the bad guys to dispose of them. Right off the bat, the presentation of Flink blew me away. The enemy sprites are fantastically large sprites complete with facial expressions and character. The levels themselves I also found spectacular for the time, which leads me to believe Psygnosis was a very graphic driven company. They could've simply thrown grass at the bottom of the forest stage but it comes complete with twigs, leaves, and the feeling of being surrounded by the ambience that comprises a forest. The backdrops as well were not skimped on as you'll find something different everytime you pause to take in the world of Imagica. At one point, I even found a tree in the background with a face, which deserves a gold star in itself. Stages are also tremendously designed as well, from a mine cart section straight out of Indiana Jones to a metaphysical sort of stretch that has to be played to be believed. The music can be repetetive at points but seeing as it is a port of a CD based title I can't give it too much shit with a clear conscience. After a bit, you find that there are quite a few ways to destroy everything in your path as Flink can pick up rocks, treasure chests, and even other enemies and fuck shit up on a fairly large scale with enough practice. No hit point meter or life bar is present so if you get hit, it is akin to Sonic in that your magic will fly out of you to be picked up all over again. Get touched with no magic in your meter and that's a life gone.

Unless you have the memory of an elephant, have yourself some pen and paper handy.

Magic you say? OH, DO I HAVE SOME KICKASS NEWS FOR YOU! For 1994, the use of magic in this game was nothing short of amazing. Don't expect Eye Of The Beholder level shit but for a platformer, it is unbelievable. Thirteen different ingredients are scattered across the land and it is up to Flink to figure out what combinations perform which action. Hint scrolls do a great job of pacing the learning period as you go about your travels so luckily you won't be using hours of trial and error like the alchemy pot in Dragon Quest VIII. A total of ten spells can be created with the results varying from offensive lightning bolts, shrinking, and creating a platform to cross gaps you may spend a few lives trying to jump before figuring out the shit wasn't happening. This was my favorite part of the game bar none as Flink is supposed to be an apprentice and having to learn as you go and really work at figuring out what spells to use in what situation certainly translates a feeling of a kid who may be in over his head magic-wise but by the end of it all, an Omega-level kickass wizard. Another intresting twist is the ability to go back to previous levels with spells you didn't have before and reach critical items that were impossible to obtain before. The only true gripes I have are the learning curve when it comes to jumping on the enemies and the fact that the game is longer than a horse cock with no saves or passwords. What I mean by the jumping mechanics is that when you land a hit on top on an enemy, you'll bounce off him in a manner that if not careful, will send you screaming off a cliff or into an endless chasm, so it takes quite awhile to get the hang of it all and even near the end, I had issues with having the world in the palm of my hand only to bounce like a jackass right into a lava pit.

The "oh shit" look on his face when he first hops in the mine cart was a legit spit-take.

THE FINAL VERDICT
9/10 I was skeptical when given this assignment as any Nintendo based reviewer would be because if I rate it too low, I'm just being a "fanboy" and if I rate it too high, I'm a traitor to The Big N. Plain and simple, I'm a gamer who can appreciate every color of the rainbow and thought Flink was a magnificent title deserving of alot more praise and recognition than it got. Innovative magic system, some of the best graphics of any 16-bit game and a mix of replayability and challenge that kept me coming back for more that a puppy that keeps being kicked away. Flink is the very definition of a hidden gem. 

NPC - A.C.Sativa - Chiller/Baby Boomer & BONUS!

It's time for the review that's always packin' heat (Down where? Down HERE!), the Unlicensed NES Zapper Games!

I'd NEED drugs to witness this scene first-hand. P.S. Yes, I beat this piece of whale nut.

Before I even get started, there's one thing I'm kicking myself over leaving out of the Wally Bear review: There was actually a number you could call that would let you hear about the evils of drugs. 1-800-HI-WALLY. "So what?" you're probably thinking... Well, this number was active until... wait for it... October of 2007! I'm not the first person to review the game and miss that, but I feel REALLY stupid about it, having done tons of research on the game, even calling the number (it's just a busy signal now), and still leaving it out of the review. No matter how many times you proofread something, as soon as it gets online, you just say "Fuck!" 

Break yo'self!

Back to serious business, Mike asked for Chiller, and markusman64ds from the Digital Press forum asked for Baby Boomer, and I figured that since they are the only 2 unlicensed Zapper games I'd just do them together. Plus, markusman gave me the idea that will end this piece, and will hopefully be a regular thing.

"Mommy, what the fuck's an emulator?"

I just want to point out something here real quick: I'm playing these games on Nestopia, by far and away the best NES emulator out there, using the "point-and-shoot" with the mouse instead of the actual Zapper. Even if I had copies of the games, I don't own a TV that works with my Zapper. It's just sitting in a box in my garage thinking "Fuck these new TVs, I still work (Tested him on my buddy's antiquated CRT TV when I bought him), they're the ones that suck…" Mr. Zapper might be lonely, but at least he can say he hasn't totally fucked up his life on coke and heroin like the rest of the 80's child stars. TMZ can suck his dick!

(Chiller, 1990, American Game Cartridges)

CHILLER: As we saw in the Wally Bear review, this was a ported Exidgy arcade game from 1986, released in 1990 for the NES. The arcade game didn't do very well in the U.S., and for good reason. It's without a doubt the most fucked up sadistic violent video game ever, outside of garbage like Super Columbine RPG and that horrible Virginia Tech game, both of which were free-to-download PC games that were created just to piss people off, and hang a digital sign around their creator’s necks saying “I’m a complete piece of shit”. Chiller was created to make money, and when arcade owners saw a game that let people use a gun to blow people away limb by limb and shoot devices like racks and guillotines to torture people they wisely passed. I’m a firm believer in the “If you’re offended, don’t buy it” school of thought, but if I was a parent in 1986 and saw Chiller in my local arcade right next to a few pinball machines, Donkey Kong, Pac-Man, and the rest of the kid-friendly fare I’d be pissed off about it. Shit, imagine playing this in a bar, and then trying to by one of the cute women a drink…Did Mace exist back then? (Yep, sure did). The NES game is pretty faithful to the original, outside of the fact that the levels are reversed (the last level in the arcade version opens the NES version), and some very slight censorship. Almost reverse censorship actually, on the first level (last in the arcade) it was changed from a monk pushing a cart full of body parts to a nun pushing a baby carriage.
The fuck? That’s supposed to be better?

Oh dear, what the COCKSNOT is going on here?

So how does it play? Pretty well, actually. You don’t need a Zapper to play, you can just use a controller, though anyone who has played Lethal Enforcers on the Genesis without the light gun knows how bad that sucks. It’s also a 2 player game, be it 2 Zappers, 2 pads, or one of each. 2 player mode is where this game gets fun. Playing by yourself is boring, but seeing who can get the best score between whoever you’ve sucked into seeing “Saw: The Game” is the way to go, turning it into a social thing instead of a training program to be a future subject of an episode of Criminal Minds. AJ Cook, if you’re reading this, e-mail me! The game plays on one screen at a time with a bunch of shit to shoot, you start off with 15 targets to hit and a bar draining as time passes. If the bar runs out before you get the targets it’s game over. The game is not really about hitting moving objects, but finding what to shoot at, which makes it perfect for the “click-and-shoot” method I’m playing it. The first 2 levels are pretty tame. Level 1 is a graveyard with a bunch of heads on spikes and a half-buried body to shoot off piece by piece, and some hands coming out of the ground, and the aforementioned nun. Level 2 is just a hallway with some ghosts going side to side that you gotta blast. Its levels 3 and 4 (the torture chambers) where it gets really fucked up, with people tied up in racks and other medieval shit, that when shot give you points for ripping their legs off or decapitating them, and then you get points for blowing off what’s left of the individual parts of their bodies one by one. Beat level 4 and you’re back at the start, Donley Kong style, with the shot count upped to 25 Every level has “talismans” that if you hit them all on every level unlocks a bat-shooting bonus stage when you finish level 4. I really can’t describe this horrible shit in words, but it would be totally over the top for a 360/PS3 game, much less a NES game. Seriously, this is some fucked up repugnant shit, and would instantly get the dreaded AO rating if they tried to release it today.

...and people said Sweet Home was fucked up?

OVERALL SCORE: 6/10. Unlike most of the shit I’m going to review here, this is more than playable, and that’s what really matters. If I were to do a list of “Top 10 Unlicensed NES games”; this would be, at worst, the last one to miss the cut. And 2 player mode is pretty fun. BUT, if you really want to play this I’d recommend seeking out the Maxi-15 multicart instead of Chiller. They’re both rare as hell to the tune of about $150, but Maxi-15 has Chiller AND 14 other shitty games.

(Baby Boomer, 1989, Color Dreams)

Baby Boomer: Quick and easy here: It sucks donkey dick, at least from where I’m sitting. Point here is that you have to shoot a bunch of shit that’s in the way of a scrolling baby. My problem with the game is that the “Gun” is REALLY inaccurate, with shots that are clearly hitting the target counting as misses, killing this game right out of the starting gate. On one hand, it might be an emulator problem, though the “Zapper” was working fine for Chiller, Duck Hunt, and everything else I tried it on. On the other hand, this is a Color Dreams game, leading me to believe it just sucks. (I’ll get to that awful company in the next review. Suffice to say, Color Dreams is the reason that you’re seeing “A.C. Sativa” v. “Unlicensed Garbage” on this site). So it very well might just be horrible…

If you think this game is any more than what you see here, you'd be very mistaken.

OVERALL SCORE: 2/10. Kind of call this one incomplete, though I find it hard to believe that this could be anything but total shit, given the people involved with the cart’s production.

Don't shoot the...wait, what???

BONUS PIRATE GAME REVIEW!: TOM AND JERRY 3
Ahh, pirate NES games, the real cream of the crop of total shit. It should be said here that Mike is doing every NOA-approved NES game, and I get everything else. But even I have my limits. “Unlicensed Games” refers to these games: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_nes_games#Unlicensed_games. Not the 110/64-in-1’s, not the Sachen “If Vince Russo booked the NES” games, none of that “Sonic on the NES” shit, and none of this garbage. Why markusman asked for this game, I’ll never know know, and I won’t ask, because when you say “Got any unlicensed crap you want me to take a shot at? Let me know…”, you gotta make good on your word, and just be happy that someone likes your writing enough to bother… So from here on in, there should be a BONUS PIRATE GAME REVIEW! I need a shower, I fucking feel dirty even going this far…

Oh A.C., you had balls of titanium to try this one.

For those who weren’t around during the NES days, it’s not like it is today. Back then you could take trademarked characters that you didn’t have the rights to, and use an Atari ST or a Commodore 64 and actually make video games and sell them. Well, not really sell them here in the U.S. (though pirate games and Hong Kong multicarts did make it stateside in the blackest of black markets. As in you got a 64-in-1 cart with every ounce of weed you bought back then), but they sold like crazy in the Far East, and did really well in South America too.

Tom looks more like one of the Rockin' Kats

\
OVERALL SCORE: 0.5/10. Oh yeah, the game itself? Best thing I can say about it is that it’s not as bad as Action 52. But it’s damn close. Jerry Mouse actually looks like his TV counterpart, and as a huge fan of the TV show that made me smile. Worst thing I can say is that it sucks worse than all the Sachen games put together, and the graphics are barely Atari 7800 quality. It’s almost a rip off of the licensed T&J games, only with the controls shot to hell and the usual “let’s try to do Mega Drive graphics on the Famicom” nastiness that defines the HK bootlegs. Just awful, and a disgrace to the NES.

Well, I'll be a warthog's nutsack, this game had an ending!

NEXT TIME: Bible Games, and what might be the only game worse than Action 52 featured in the BPGR!. After that: one of the BEST unlicensed NES games, and the only pirate game that’s any good. Let me know what’s next in the comments…

Beyond The Controller - She Devil of Ladies 2 Die 4

Welcome to the third installment of "Beyond The Controller". Thanks to Retrogamergirls and Dylan of Questicle for braving the storm so far. Today, I step outside the box a bit and move away from the retro and into the current gen. Let's gather around the campfire kiddies, as today's guest is a member of one of the gnarliest clans around (male or female), everyone give a warm welcome to She Devil of Ladies 2 Die 4!

Welcome to NESquester's own virtual interview couch. Hope the coffee is still warm and the chairs are comfy enough so let's dig right in! First off, today we welcome She Devil of the L2D4 (Ladies 2 Die 4) crew. This is probably as different for me as it is for you as I normally interview retro gamers and people more around my "zone" and you're normally slaughtering everyone who crosses your path at whatever game you are playing. That being said, you ladies piqued my interest as a tight-knit group who has rankings and a chain of command. So naturally my first questions are what is L2D4 about and how long have you been with the clan?

Basically, Ladies 2 Die 4 is an all-female clan pretty much born out of the camaraderie we women have for each other in a male-dominated market. Our mission is to provide a fun and positive drama-free environment to other female gamers while maintaining competitiveness, fairness, and respect online. I, personally, have been with L2D4 since early April of 2012 and am currently a Sergeant.

Are there any of the L2D4 set whose gaming prowess you envy? I read #TheOriginalPSP's bio and found out that he beat Mike Tyson's Punch-Out without getting hit one single time and would never challenge him to a one-on-one. Anyone stand out that way in your opinion?

Most of the L2D4 specialize in FPS, mainly Call of Duty. I think if there was one I had to pick to not mess with, it’d be Queenie and her sniper rifles. I’d hate to be on the other end of her scope. Seriously!

What was your first console and your earliest memories of it?

I have two older brothers, one of which who had an NES but I was pretty young when that was our household console. Since there were 3 of us, we actually had an array of consoles from Nintendo, Sega, and Sony. The Super Nintendo was probably my earliest. I remember Yoshi’s Island and my mom jacking it to play Zelda. My Playstation was my favorite “early” console though to be honest.

I've noticed that you play a little like me in that if we're deepcore into a game, it is either 1000/1000GP or bust. The acheivement I'm proudest of would probably be beating Bioshock on hard. What is an achievement you're most proud of and one that was the most difficult to obtain?

I think I’m most proud of my pre-DLC 1000GP of Skyrim because it was my first close out. I wasn’t always interested in mass amounts of achievements. I liked to play through games and that was it. I was really close with Assassin’s Creed (1) but I had beat it on 3 different accounts before I got to mine and just wasn’t in the mood anymore. The most difficult I’d have to say, without a doubt, was Borderlands because of the Robolution DLC where you have to collect an unnecessary amount of ultra-rare drops. It took me 6 straight hours of farming for just ONE of the three achievements for it. It was such a pain in the ass haha, but I showed those ‘chievos who’s boss..

I've also noticed you play alot of shooters like Borderlands 2 and Halo 4 and at the same time bring up certain accessories for your controllers and what not. Would you care to share what you're currently using and how they help your gaming? 

That’s right, I’m a long time FPS enthusiast. I started playing them back around Halo and CS on original Xbox. A lot has changed, including “high performance accessories” for your controller. I was super skeptical because it sounds like a scam, I know, but I could not go back to a normal controller after what I’ve got now. Currently I’m using Grip iTs and Kontrol Freeks (one on each analog stick) Basically Kontrol Freeks are made to improve your accuracy by allowing you to move your analog stick beyond where your controller hinders it. Grip iTs improve the grip which overall improves your control. I’ve also got a pair of Squid Grips on my controller which changes the ergonomics of your paddle to not only be more comfortable, but it absorbs the moisture from your palms which is a big annoyance during long gaming marathons and serious situations.

Back to the clan a bit, you ladies have members from the United States, Canada, and even England. Do you ever get the chance to meet up say, annually or is it strictly an online type of family?

I know that last year (before I joined) most of the clan and our brother clan met up at PAX East, and a few even went to PAX Prime, as well as a few MLG events previous to that. This year we’re hoping to again meet up at PAX East, but I’m not sure about our overseas friends. Travel is so expensive these days, it’d be a serious investment for some of them.

I really dug your Borderlands 2 videos and found others on your YouTube channel informative and well-thought out. Are there plans to bring back some videos or is it a thing that happens in spurts between major releases?

I’m actually a seriously lazy YouTuber. I put out a video every few months but mainly it’s for the informational demographic and not just to do something everyone has done a hundred times. So if I find that there are 30 videos on how to do something, I’ll just leave that alone and keep moving on until I find something worth making. It’s the same idea with my commentaries too. I try to keep my personal life separate so that doesn’t leave me a lot to blabber about for 8+ minutes per video. (Honestly though, I’m really just too lazy to do more stuff more often haha)

I'd be remiss in not mentioning the fantastic job you did with the Harley Quinn makeup tutorial. Not that I'd give it a whirl myself but if there was an L2D4 contest with those tutorials some of you did, I'd personally say you won, rad music and all. Do you have any experience in those types of things? i.e. theater, plays, etc?

Surprisingly, no. I originally wasn’t going to do a make-up video but I had been obsessively watching my boyfriend play Arkham City and I’ve always been a Harley fan. Luckily she’s pretty easy as far as difficulty goes. She’s more tedious than anything. The music is Elena Siegman’s AbraCadavre which was a killer easter egg in Black Ops zombies. It really set the mood sometimes and I thought it was a perfect fit for Harley.

What does She Devil do when she isn't destroying gamer egos and getting a kill per calorie I take in for the day? What are your other intrests and hobbies?

Haha, this is pretty awkward but I’m a big fan of girly…ness? I’ve always been a tomboy so the more I age the more I wish I could do things that take patience and finesse. I love DIY crafts and baking. Boy I love baking. Other than that though, I really just like to game. If I’m not working I prefer to game game game. I make time for my little vices like reading and pounding pots of coffee but ultimately I’m a hermit and not very exciting in my personal life.

Lastly, what advice would you give to any other gamers out there and is there anything you'd like to plug or advertise?

If I had to give another gamer advice I’d just say broaden your horizons to as many games as possible. Enjoy the vast worlds before you and don’t limit yourself to one franchise. You’ll be missing out on so much!
As far as plugs, obviously head over to the Ladies 2 Die 4 Fan Page and give us a like. We need all the support we can get! Check out my YT if you’re bored (links below) and just a big thank you to all of our sponsors for making our gaming experience great! (GripIts, Mionix, InToro Skins, Acoustic PC, CompuExpert Direct, Sharkoon, Zalman, GoGamer.com, Rage Gage, Nobis, Brand Computers, and Gathering Gamers)

Huge thanks to She Devil for participating and giving one tremendous interview that if anything, shows that I made the right choice when she was the one I asked for the interview. Insightful, entertaining, funny, and most of all approachable, She Devil and the rest of the L2D4 are very real, very passionate gamers and if you get your feelings hurt by being destroyed by these ladies in a game out there, don't be a jerk, appreciate the time and skill they have and cut the gender specific crap. Male or female, female or male, L2D4 is for real.

Yup, she's female. She's a gamer. And she can KICK. YOUR. ASS. 

Ladies 2 Die 4 Fan Page

She Devil's Youtube Channel

NESquest #36 - Gradius

(Gradius, December 1986, Konami)

HELL TO THE FUCK YEAH! A genre I've been anxiously awaiting to reach like a kid on Christmas morning, the space shooter. No, Action 52 doesn't count as even being a game so don't even try that shit. Today's title also holds the distinction of being the very first to utilize the most famous game cheat in history, Let's take a look at Konami's NES cherry being popped before our very eyes with Gradius.

Even if you don't know your own parent's birthdays, you KNOW "The Code"

First, a gander at Konami and how they came to become one of the most recognizable gaming companies in the world. Founded in 1973 as a jukebox rental company of all things, Konami (a portmanteau of founders, Kagemasa KOzuki, Yoshinobu NAkama, and Tatsuo MIyasako) began creating what they labeled "amusement machines". Initially one of the slowest developers in recorded history, it took 5 years for their first games to release. Wih their 1981 classic Frogger, Konami's years of experience and growing confidence started to show at a blistering pace with many memorable titles being cranked out such as Super Cobra, Gyruss, Track & Field, and Rush N' Attack among others. I cannot tell a lie, I am chomping at the bits to poke tons o' fun at Gyruss for how many waves it takes to Uranus but that will come in due time. In 1985, they developed a shooter so frantic that balls to the wall cannot describe it. Dicks to the bricks would be far more apropos. The game was given the name Nemesis and when ported to our good friend, Mr. NES, it decided that after it's divorce from the arcades that it would legally change it's name to Gradius. Konami still has their hands in just about everything from casinos, toys, and anime with a revenue of over three billion dollars so I think they are doing just peachy since their humble beginnings. As with my earlier Capcom reviews, I will delve more into "The Code" during a time when a Konami game doesn't contain as deep an origin.

Power-up enough and you can get some SERIOUS firepower happening.

In this first title of the long-running series, you play the role of an unnamed pilot behind the controls of a spaceship named the Vic Viper. I'm personally torn whether that is the dumbest name for a ship or the most bitchingest. The Vic, as I shall name it henceforth, is tasked with destroying waves of enemies before they can attack the pilot's home planet of Gradius. At the start, a pathetic little pea shooter is given and Vic moves like it is on quaaludes but send enough of certain types of enemies to hell and powerful add-ons will be dispersed. What makes Gradius badass is that you can customize how you make Vic stronger. Want to throw everything you get into speed making Vic rival that forsaken blue hedgehog? No problem! Prefer missiles to lasers and only have the power-ups for one? Then have a blast shitting bombs all across deep space! It presents the aura of strategy that the other shooters at the time were lacking as with time you slowly grasp what weaponry you'll need to unleash in what situation. 

If you see these fuckers and you have no extras to shoot them with, the game is pretty much over. You'll have an easier time getting Ellen DeGeneres to participate in a bukkake video.

Comprised of seven of the most unforgiving levels this side of Axelay, Gradius is one tough mammajamma. Volcanos will spit out boulders while a wave of ships is screaming towards you on your right and mobile cannons are peppering the screen with fire on your left. In short, this game does not fuck around for even a second. As previously stated ladies and germs, dicks to the bricks. If you make it past the deceptively simple first few levels, just wait awhile and the Easter Island heads pop up out of nowhere and just simply make life untolerable. Of course, you have "The Code" at your disposal if you want to breeze by. I had this game when I was younger and thought it was defective as I damned near sprained my thumb trying to get "The Code" to work to no avail. My mistake was thinking you had to input it at the title screen like Contra, not while it was paused. In short, I had to beat this beastly fatherfucker legit so any of you that questioned my Silver Surfer victory awhile back that I made a hoop-la about, as hard as that was, it isn't as bad as Gradius. Take it from someone who has been there. What is more difficult for me to fathom is that the arcade version is even harder, with less power-ups and an extra button you had to press when you wished to fire missiles. 

Man, Mother Brain sure gets around doesn't she?

Now onto the chili of the dog, the presentation. The titles that the NES offered to this point (with the exception of Metroid) have been fairly vibrant, colorful little numbers. Of course, that wouldn't do for a space shooter so it starts dark and stays dark. The ships are bright and far easier to see so there isn't the issue of 1942 where you're trying to shoot green planes down against a massive green backdrop. Black spaceships barrelling towards you in deep space would no doubt release that fateful "FUCK THIS SHIT" hormone back into any logical brain. What I dig the most is the claustrophobia that you'll encounter at times where the shit gets even more frantic. One moment, Vic is tearing it up in open space, free to maneuver the whole of the screen, and the next the walls start to close in where your freedom is taken away and it's blast your way out or die trying. There isn't much in the way of cheap death either as the controls are tighter than an asshole introduced to freezing water. The sound was a pleasant suprise as this was the first instance where the tunes the NES provided were superior to the arcade. The song selection isn't very large but the few present tunes more than sufficed and the sound effects didn't make me want to claw out my inner ear. My only real gripe would be the boss battles. One one hand, it was basically the same boss at the end of each level and on the other, I gave Super Mario Bros a 10/10 and it also had the same endstage boss. Perhaps it is because of the genre that the same showdowns felt more like one gigantic level than seven smaller ones. The final boss, once you figure out to get the fuck past the indestructible wall as quick as possible, is a joke. What was with Konami's hard-on for featuring enormous human organs as the final boss in their games anyway? 

FINALLY! Someone used the proper grammar at the end of an 80s NES game!

THE FINAL VERDICT
9/10 Gradius set the bar for epic space shooters that wasn't matched for years. The setting feels alien and otherworldly, the sounds kick the piss out of the arcade version, and the challenge keeps you coming back to see if you can make it just that much further. Today, it is a great time killer and a way to temper yourself before playing any other shooter you may deem as difficult. In 1986, it was just about as perfect as you could get.

See if you can figure out how to rack up massive points at this spot like I did.

Unlike other popular Konami franchises, the Gradius legacy still lives on. If it has ever been your desire to run into a series sequel structure more confusing than the Legend of Zelda series, look no further. Gradius actually had a Gradius 2 AND a Gradius II that were different games! Enjoy wrapping your head around over a dozen sequels, spin-offs, and ports, not the least of which is a Nintendo title that I will ruin things for now by saying that when its time comes in the Quest, it gets an easy 10. Don't spoil it fuckers....

....I'll drop a tiny hint myself